Wednesday, 4 September 2019

Oh no it's ... Christianity

Don't ask why but I am almost halfway through a four (or 4¼) day crash course on religions at my Dutch alma mater.

On the entertaining first day, on the topic of Judaism, I discovered that the G-d of the Torah is far less boring than the Christian God. For example, on Mount Sinai the G-d of the Torah explained something in 70 different ways, all at the same time. Now that is awesome. And he seems like a playful G-d : humans can try and outsmart him and sometimes they succeed, which the G-d of the Torah finds most amusing.

During the first hour of the second day, which was on Christianity, I had an epiphany; This is just a dumbed down version of Judaism. Yesssss : Christianity is Judaism Lite and Jesus was a marketing genius! So I left. 

Jesus thought a G-d who explains something 70 different ways all at the same time was way too complicated so he tried to rebrand Judaism but that didn't go down too well with the powers that be so he decided to start his own religion and to name it after himself. That way there could never be any doubt about the name of the guy who started it al.

Jesus also realised that Judaism would never take off because that religion is, to all intents and purposes, only for Jews and he wanted more influence. Because Instagram had not been invented yet he had to think of a different way, so he decided on the strategy of telling people that if they believed in him they would be saved and go to heaven where everything is awesome! And he thought : if all those people would tell other people and so on it would the first ever pyramid scheme.

Anyone can join in! Even menstruating women! And you can eat what you like! Yay pork is yummy!

And you can make statues! The more the merrier! And have them all over your house!

"...and turn on the light on a saturday?"
— Sure! No problem. (thanks Bee!)

And everyone said : coooool!!!! Way to go Jesus!
Well almost everyone.

And you don't have to confess to God. You can just confess to this guy right here and he will give you absolution. No need to fess up to the people you lied to or stole from.
And to pray, you don't need 10 men over 30 years old ! You can just pray by yourself! So much simpler.

And : no need to worry about those 613 commandments and trying to work out what they all are!!! No sir. Not 100 either ... And not 50... Just 10.
Only 10?! Sold!

Deleted : I am awake at a ridiculous time but time was constructed by humans to understand certain simple things, like when to plant potatoes and when to harvest them.
Sometimes I think the entire world could be made much more intelligible if we explain in terms of the relationship between humans and potatoes.